Friday, March 22, 2019

My New Year's Resolutions for 2013


New Year's Eve has always been a time for looking back to the past, and more importantly, forward to the coming year. It's a time to reflect on the changes we want (or need) to make and resolve to follow through on those changes. So, many people make a declaration to achieve at least one goal that they think will help them feel more complete. Some of the most popular of these resolutions are spend more time with family and friends, get in shape or lose weight, and quit smoking.

But remember, these vows are generally made by people who are drunk.

During the closing hours of 2012, while avoiding a handful of old friends who were a bit overly-sentimental and overly emotional ("I love you man, give me a hug...that's not a real hug. Come here... I love you asshole..."), I decided to make several resolutions of my own. My goal is to complete the following wish-list of accomplishments by the strike of midnight on December 31, 2013:

Sit in on an AA meeting

I have an ongoing rule that anyone I meet, anywhere at any time, may trade a 30-day, 60-day, any-amount-of-time sobriety token for a free drink. No questions asked. I will simply stop what I'm doing and accompany them to the nearest bar to buy them the drink of their choice. I will then relieve them of said token. Many years ago, I started announcing this plan to anyone who would listen. I figured I'd have quite the collection of chips by now, but not one person has ever taken me up on my offer. So I've come to realize that there must be something more to the whole AA thing than first names only, 12 steps and a bunch of coffee.  I'm not saying that I plan to drink the cool aid, I just want to see what goes on during the meetings. My goal is to observe and report.

Track down the true owner of my first fake ID

When I was 19-years old, a stranger approached my and asked me if my name was James. That is not my name but he was holding a wallet in his hands so I answered yes. He handed over the wallet to me and I immediately saw why he assumed it belonged to me. James Lascot from Felton, California looked a lot like me. But James was five years older than me. The wallet also contained $100 and I was broke. Double score.

I've long since lost track of the California Driver's License, but this year, I plan to track down Mr. Lascot, repay the $100 and thank him for a two-year head-start at drinking in bars.

Experience Drinks in Twelve Bars during one Twelve-hour period

Unless you are in Las Vegas (which, by the way, does not count) it's not as easy as you would think. The goal isn't to run in, have a drink, and sprint to the next bar. Instead, it is to enjoy my drinks in each place, visit with the bartender and other patrons, and truly experience each place. I did this last year and had a blast. I think this will become an annual tradition.

Get in a bar fight

Funny, after years of professional drinking, I've never once been in a real bar fight. But, I can't tell you how many times I've reflected on a good night of drinking and thought to myself "That guy was such a dick. I should have knocked the shit out of him." Before the year is over, I will get into a bar fight. And if I make it to December 31, 2013 without finding someone who truly deserves to get punched in the face, I will feel sorry for the poor bastard that I swing at before the clock strikes twelve.

Work as a bartender

I paid my way through college by working as a bartender. Greatest job ever. But it's been a few years and I'm starting to slip. I've started to lose patients with bartenders and servers who I think are incompetent, and I might be starting to be one of those customers that I used to despise. I think it's about time I go back into the trenches and experience the world of drinking from the other side. Basically, it's time for me to make sure my attitude is properly tuned.

Take a hobo to happy hour

The homeless need lovin' too. And what better way to show a little kindness than to take one out for happy hour?

Try 100 new drinks

I’ve tried a lot of drinks. Probably more than most humans. Strike that. I’ll bet anyone $100 that I’ve tried more cocktails than anyone they know. Plus, I know what’s in each one of them. Remember, I'm a professional drinker, mother-fucker.

With that out of the way… I’ve noticed that I have a very short list of go-to drinks. Rum & Coke, Guinness, Jameson & Ginger Ale, and Gin & Tonic. Pretty much in that order. I do this because I know I like those drinks. It took years to find out what my favorites were, so now I stick to them. Why fuck up a good thing? Right? The older I get, the less adventurous I am.But, being flexible and adventurous in what I drink should be a mark of maturity and adaptability. This year, I plan to say yes to every new cocktail I come across. I just hope there’s 100 drinks I haven’t tried.

Crash a wedding (or other large formal event) and propose a toast

I just want to show up, have some drinks from the open bar, eat, and propose a toast to the happy couple. When I leave, I want to hear a few people whisper “who was that?”

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