Friday, March 22, 2019

What You Favorite Drink Says About You

10 years to retirement, when I can spend all day in the bar drinking boilermakers.

Bud Light
I spent all my money on baseball, football and basketball jerseys.

America! Fuck Yeah!

Budweiser Platinum
You are still trying to find a replacement for the delicious nectar of the gods known as Zima.
Colt 45
You enjoy this cold 40-ounce malt liquor because you happen to have some left over from the third time you became an unmarried mother.

Your life sucks, except for that one evening a year when you get to hang out with your friends from high school and pretend like you are one of those cunts from Sex In The City.  When the night is over, you will return home to your ugly kids and controlling husband.

Crown Royal
You are the one person who truly believes that you are special.

Cuervo Gold
Although you think you know it all, you’re an incredibly gullible loser who will always be within one paycheck from welfare and will never be worth a shit.

Gin & Tonic
You are similar to a vodka drinker, but you stink the next day.

You are a fucking jerk and would be doing the world a favor if you just got cancer and died.

Grape Press
I like butterflies so much I got a huge one tattooed on my chest so no one will notice where my boyfriend hit me.

“Well, I’ve got some vodka but nothing to mix it with… wait… I have a grapefruit tree in the backyard. Let’s fucking party!”

You enjoy a really good dark beer and don’t mind shitting in a bucket.

Gin & Juice
Because Snoop said so.

Jack Daniels
You want to have a good time right now because you won’t have any more money ‘till the first of the month.

You are a huge fan of blacking-out and punching your friends in the face.

Long Island Iced Tea
When you want to black out but just don't have the time.  It's four-drinks-in-one, plus some soda to make it work fast and sweet & sour to make it drinkable. Let's fucking do this!

Louis XII Cognac
You consider yourself to be the best and most important person in the world.  You enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Margarita, Blended
In addition to having its own song, there’s nothing that says “I’m ready to have a party that will end up with me breaking glass in the street” more than this drink.

Margarita on the Rocks
You are a tight-assed accountant and need to loosen up.  Your only chance at getting laid is to drink about ten of these

Ah, yes. Nothing says success and wealth quite like a Martini, except for maybe real success and wealth... or, maybe a nice car.
Michelob Ultra
I don't go to the gym, but I want you to think I do.

Pabst Blue Ribbon
I was lame before it was cool to be lame.

Pina Colada
I got so much ass in the 70's when cocaine was cheap.

Red Wine
You are boring and you find no pleasure in life.

Rum & Coke
You think you are a pirate.  You are not kind to anyone, including yourself.  Everyone who knows you thinks you are an asshole, and you always piss-off strangers.

Saki Bomb
"I hate sushi, but I want my date to fuck me, so let’s kill the taste buds."

Salty Dog
“Well, I’ve got some vodka but nothing to mix it with… wait… I have a grapefruit tree in the backyard... wait... and salt! Let’s fucking party!”

You really don’t drink very often, do you?

Seven & Seven
You have a terrific mustache and fond memories of the Disco Era.

Sex on the Beach
"See my drink? huh?!? huh!?! Any takers???" <Sigh> "No mom, we're not going to the beach."

Singapore Sling
The best days of your life ended when you returned stateside from the Korean War Conflict.

Single Malt Scotch
You cannot be trusted. You try to put on an air of sophistication, but you have a secret stash of German kiddie snuff porn.

Southern Comfort
You lack genuine skill and confidence in everything you do.  You are a dipshit and should probably just kill yourself.

Tequila Sunrise
"All you have is Tequila and OJ?"

Vodka Tonic
Your home has beautiful off-white walls, beige carpeting, tan furniture and decorative taupe accents.

White Wine
Your shit does not stink... Truly.

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