Shitty Bartenders 101

There you are. Ready to sit down in a nice, cool, dark bar. Ready to order your favorite drink and relax. What could be better than that? Wait. Where's the bartender? The dick-bag fuck-stick is more interested in doing anything BUT getting you a drink. He's too busy fucking around with his phone or catching up on the latest bullshit with another employee or kissing up to another customer.

What happened to the good old days when the bartender understood that the most important thing in a bar isn't the selection of booze, the address, or the decor? None of that matters without the customer. Without the customer, the bar would fold and the bartender would be out of a job. Seems like a pretty simple concept. Right? Unfortunately, there seems to be a new crop of bartenders who are either unable - or unwilling - to grasp this concept.

I'm not talking about walking in while it's busy. I'm talking about a time of the day or night when NO bartender has an excuse to make you wait for a drink. Even I don't expect a bartender to stop and discuss the details of the US Open or the NBA Playoffs or my latest tales from Las Vegas when he's super busy. I'm a fairly reasonable man. What I do expect is that the bartender understands the dynamic between me and him. It's simple. I tell him what I want, he makes it, I drink it and I give him money. If any part of this breaks down, there's a problem. If he can keep me in drinks while I'm sitting at the bar, he has completed his basic duty. If he has a good personality and is efficient, I'll keep drinking and spend more money. If he ignores me, is distracted with personal bullshit, or doesn't give a fuck about doing his job, I will take my money elsewhere. Why should I have to put up with bullshit when I come to the only place on earth where I can get that peaceful, easy feeling? For christsake, it's called “happy hour” for a reason.

It's really simple:

• I'm here. I'm a customer. I have money and want to spend it on a drink. Your job is to make one and set it down in front of me. How fucking hard can this be?

• Yes, we all know that you are in charge of the bar. Don't be a dick.  I don't give a shit if we agree on which team is the best in the NFL, or what day of the week it is. And, I really don't care if you like me or not.  Just act like you do. It's your fucking job.  If you insist on always winning, you will always lose, so don't argue with me. I'm here to pay you. Don't fuck up that relationship by being a dick.

• Fill an empty glass and empty a full ashtray: You are there to take care of the customer.  Just do it.
• Quit fucking around on your phone and get me a drink.

More Things You Should and Should Not Do When Drunk

After the lists of 5 Things that you Should, and 5 Things You Should Not Do While Drunk was posted, readers started submitting their own dos and don'ts. Here are some of them:

1. Don't pull out your contacts list and decide to call that friend or relative you haven't spoken to in years. Not matter what you think,  this is not the perfect time to say "I love you man" or "we really need to hang out more."
2. Do decide to go ahead a rearrange the bottles behind the bar. You can organize them by size, color, or alphabetically. It's a little know fact that bartenders love and appreciate this.
3. Do take the opportunity to intrude on other peoples conversations followed by a big sloppy hug while telling them how much you love them.
4. Do feel free to critique everyone's choice of drink by telling them how popular said drink is in the "homosexual community."
5. Don't shave your pubes
6. If the bar you're in does not allow smoking, light up a cigarette and ask for an ashtray.

Five Things You Should Do When Drunk

Okay, the previous list is short for a reason. There are so many more things that you really need to experience while drunk. I’ve tried to keep the list short by only including a few must-have experiences. However, I expect most people to accomplish these and then start working at their own speed.

1. Hook up with a stranger for a one-night-stand. Fuck yea! Being drunk is always a good excuse.  Give him or her a fake name and do not let them know where you live.
2. Buy a round for the entire bar. It’s even better when you don’t have enough cash and your credit card is over the limit. This may be uncomfortable at the moment, but you’re going to be drunk, right? Embrace it. Have fun with it. Laugh out loud about it. It will make a great story for later. For what it’s worth, I recommend doing this in a bar where you don’t mind getting 86ed.
3. Be profound. Do this and you’ll feel like the coolest person ever.
4. Speak with a foreign accent all night. After about five cocktails, it will start feeling natural and start becoming really funny.
5. Throw bottles, and/or anything else made of glass, into the street. Trust me on this one. You don't realize how fucking cool this is until you do it loaded.

Five Things You Should Not Do When Drunk

With the holidays approaching, assuming the Mayans just got lazy, booze will beckon and many will answer its call into the land of inebriation. Perhaps we can mitigate the damage with some timely advice – things you never want to do while drunk.

1. Mix “grape with grain”. If you’re drinking wine, stick with wine, if you’re drinking cocktails, stick with cocktails. Don’t switch up at any point of the evening. It’s not an absolute, sure-fire way to avoid getting sick, but it’s a very good rule to live by. Wine and brandy are made from grapes. Most other booze (including beer) is made from some sort of grain. Don’t mix the two. Some say this is an old wive's tale. Maybe, maybe not. But don't take the chance. Trust me on this one.
2. Significantly change an ongoing relationship. Don’t make the decision to make-up, break-up, or get married. Getting married is easy; putting up with each other for the rest of your life is not.
3. Be profound. Do this and you’ll just be an asshole.
4. Decide to get a tattoo. If you want a tattoo, it’s cool to have a few drinks before the artist starts in with the needle, but, don’t make the decision to get a tattoo when you’re drunk. If you are anything like me, you’ll end up getting something that you think is HILARIOUS while loaded, and then spend the rest of your life explaining the significance to everyone you meet.
5. Get pregnant.

A Toast to Prohibition

Since the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock, alcohol has been an important part of American life. But in the mid-1800s evangelical Protestant churches, especially the Methodists, Baptists and Presbyterians started sponsoring the Temperance Movement.  By using pressure politics on legislators, the anti-booze folks achieved the goal of nationwide prohibition in 1919, emphasizing the need to destroy the political corruption of the saloons, the political power of the German-based brewing industry, and the need to reduce domestic violence in the home.

All of this was, of course, a bunch of bullshit.

Without liquor, there was no reduction in domestic violence and political corruption actually grew. Prohibition also opened the door for bootleggers and mobsters to become very rich.

But the most disturbing thing was that the Temperance Movement was actually started by a bunch of women who nagged long enough and loud enough until they finally got their way. They decided that, in the name of religion, they would eradicate liquor. It didn't matter that booze was part of what made America free.

It's a fact that the Puritans loaded more beer than water onto the Mayflower before they cast off for the New World and there wasn't any cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, or pumpkin pie at the first Thanksgiving, but there was beer, brandy, gin, and wine.  It's also a fact that the very first construction project at Harvard was a brewery so that a steady supply of beer could be served in the student dining halls. And it's another fact that the first Kentucky whiskey was made in 1789 by a Baptist minister. Even Abraham Lincoln held a liquor license and operated several taverns.

These bitchy women wanted their way and eventually achieved their goal of making the majority of Americans believe that to let booze pass their lips is to sin.

In the end, Prohibition didn't work. It was a fucking failure of giant proportions and was repealed via the Twenty-first Amendment to the United States Constitution eighty-five years ago, on December 5, 1933.

The worst thing about it was that even after Prohibition, the moral stigma attached to liquor consumption stuck. Even to this day, most conventional Protestant groups are against drinking. But there were two very cool things that happened because of Prohibition:

Generally, before Prohibition, saloons were reserved for men, where they drank beer and whisky.  During Prohibition, it became very hip to drink. It was a badge of honor to actually know how to gain access to a speakeasies. So, more and more women actually began to drink.

Moonshine, Bathtub Gin and other compact spirits were so terrible that bartenders started inventing ways to make it tolerable. They began to used fruit juices, soda pop and a variety of other mixers. Thus, the modern cocktail was born.

So here we are. Seventy-nine years after the death of the worst, and best, thing to happen to American drinkers.  Raise your glasses and drink to Prohibition. Drink because it ended; drink because it happened; and, mostly, drink because you can. 

Cheers!

The Zecond Coming of Zima

Yes, Zima is coming back zoon. MillerCoors is poised to reintroduce the 1990s-era clear malt beverage that was once advertised as "zomething different."

Beer Business Daily reported that the brand is already in distributor warehouses and will allegedly "be offered for a limited time only." A MillerCoors spokesman said "more news [is] coming soon" and that "if you're one of the zillion fans who have missed Zima, the answer should be clear."

It was originally introduced to the entire US in 1994 and quickly sold 1.3 million barrels. But it didn't take long for it to fail due to medicinal taste and girly-man rep. By 1996, Zima's sales fell to just 403,000 barrels. Most drinkers assume that Zima vanished shortly thereafter and exists solely as a punch line. But Zima actually survived in the US until October 10, 2008. Rarely has such a famously shitty product enjoyed such a lengthy run, which is a testament to its brewers' marketing prowess.

The Zima that died a quiet death nine years ago is the same clear crap that they are preparing to serve up now. If you weren't around for Clinton's first term, the O.J. Simpson trial, and the Nancy Kerrigan kneecapping, you can't understand the horror of this drink. So, go ahead and try one. But please follow this advice: don't waste money on a 6-pack.

The 18 Rules of Drunken Golf

The old man looked me square in the eye and said “you can’t play golf for shit, but you boys can sure count.” It was the result of several moments of pure hell for the man and his two friends.


They had been looking for a ball on the edge of another fairway at the same time that I pulled my head just as I tried to nail the 17th green with a seven iron. This resulted in my ball falling from the sky, well right of my target, but directly above the three guys. I yelled “FORE” as I watched them scramble for safety from 168 yards away.

Fuck, I was embarrassed.

And then Larry teed off and hit a line drive directly at the same three men.  “FORE!

”Fuck.

We were pretty drunk.

And we were following the 18 Rules of Drunken Golf:

1. Choose the course carefully. When it comes to golf, most people have several course options available to them. Choose the one with the best bar. But wait. Slow down. Don’t jump to rule #2 quite yet. We’re still on an important step and there are many things that should be considered. Does the bar have liquor, or just beer and wine? What's the layout like? Can you see the golf course without ever leaving your barstool? Are the regulars pleasant? Is the bartender efficient and nice? This is important.
2. Prepare.  Bring beer and liquor with you. Most courses do not allow this, but you will be glad you did. A wise man once said “a stolen watermelon always tastes sweeter”.
3. Drink on the Course. Does the course have a cart girl? You can always haul your own supplies in with you, but there’s something special about a motorized bar cart. You can hear it coming from two fairways away and you know everything will be all right.
4. Hit ‘em. You will probably hit a few errant shots. Be sure to yell “fore”. This will scare the shit out of the people you are trying to warn. After the dust settles, go to them and apologize profusely. Ask them if they’re okay and be sure to tell them how drunk you are. They will understand. Tell them you would like to make it up to them by buying their first round in the clubhouse. All will be forgiven.
5. Play well. Blame everyone else for your bad golf. If you fuck up a drive, blame it on the assholes celebrating over at the next green, or the lady with the shrill voice, or birds making too much noise. Protest anything and demand a free mulligan.
6. Bring a Zippo. I love the way they sound when they open and close. Your friends will love it too when you flick it open and closed in their back swing.
7. Pee in the cup.
8. Cheat. Drop balls wherever you want. If you can get away with it, drop it in the cup… “Hey look, it must have went in!”
9. Find the Phone. Many golf courses have a phone located somewhere around the 8th tee box. It’s a direct line to the clubhouse and it’s there so you can order lunch. They’ll have it ready for you at the turn between holes nine and ten. It’s supposed to speed up your game by preventing you from having to stand around while they prepare your food. Another good use for the phone is to order drinks from the bar. They’ll be ready for you when you get there. If they don't have a phone installed at the tee box, use your cell phone.
10. Rest. Even if you take advantage of Rule # 9, you should always take a break after the 9th hole. Sit in the bar and relax. You’ll need it. You’re only halfway through the game.
11. Bet on Everything. “Two dollars says I can hit the green from here.” It’s a bet!” Five bucks says I can make it past the big tree on the left.” “It’s a bet!” A ten spot if I nail that squirrel.” “It’s a bet!”
12. Drive Carefully. Drive your cart onto the green. I don’t feel the need to explain this, but it’s fucking awesome.
13. Hit your ball. When you can no longer tell which ball you are swinging at, don’t aim at the one in the middle, use all three of your clubs and hit them all at the exact same time. If you start to see more than three balls, simply close one eye and follow this rule again.
14. Mind the Marshal. If there is a marshal on the course, he will probably be keeping a close eye on you. Be nice to him. Chat him up. Order drinks from him. Offer him some of your drinks. Call him “Jeeves.” Ask him to critique your swing. Ask him to clarify USGA Rule 15-3b.
15. Mark your balls. Most golfers will carry a Sharpie in their bag to make a signature mark on their balls. Perhaps it’s their initial, or a smiley face, or a little star. So, be sure to bring a Sharpie and mark the shit out of your ball. Since you will most likely be hitting into every other fairway but your own, you should consider writing a message to other players. I recommend writing something like “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?” or “HEY DICKNOSE, THIS IS NOT YOUR BALL”, or a simple “FUCK OFF!”
16. Tidy up. Don’t forget to get rid of the empty bottles that you didn’t purchase at the course before you get back to the club house. 
17. Get Inside your Opponents’ Heads. Rule #6 works great on the tee box but you need something for the putting green too. I recommend using your shadow to distract them. I like to stand in such a way that my shadow makes it appear that my penis is shaped like the grip of my putter and I’m fucking the hole. If your opponent doesn’t notice this, simply say, “hey look at my shadow… I’m fucking the hole.”
18. Tip big. Golf is a game of manners and decorum. Well, it was until you showed up. Let’s face it, you and your buddies are going to be drunk and in doing so will appear to be the biggest assholes on the course on that day. So, whether you are in the bar or buying drinks from the cart girl, tip big. And I mean bigger than usual… bigger than you’ve seen anyone tip before. This will confound them to a point of enjoying your company; they will hate you, yet love you at the same time.

You’re welcome.