What You Favorite Drink Says About You

Boilermaker
10 years to retirement, when I can spend all day in the bar drinking boilermakers.

Bud Light
I spent all my money on baseball, football and basketball jerseys.

Budweiser
America! Fuck Yeah!

Budweiser Platinum
You are still trying to find a replacement for the delicious nectar of the gods known as Zima.

Colt 45
You enjoy this cold 40-ounce malt liquor because you happen to have some left over from the third time you became an unmarried mother.

Cosmopolitan
Your life sucks, except for that one evening a year when you get to hang out with your friends from high school and pretend like you are one of those cunts from Sex In The City.  When the night is over, you will return home to your ugly kids and controlling husband.

Crown Royal
You are the one person who truly believes that you are special.

Cuervo Gold
Although you think you know it all, you’re an incredibly gullible loser who will always be within one paycheck from welfare and will never be worth a shit.

Gin & Tonic
You are similar to a vodka drinker, but you stink the next day.

Goldschläger
You are a fucking jerk and would be doing the world a favor if you just got cancer and died.

Grape Press
I like butterflies so much I got a huge one tattooed on my chest so no one will notice where my boyfriend hit me.

Greyhound
“Well, I’ve got some vodka but nothing to mix it with… wait… I have a grapefruit tree in the backyard. Let’s fucking party!”

Guinness
You enjoy a really good dark beer and don’t mind shitting in a bucket.

Gin & Juice
Because Snoop said so.

Jack Daniels
You want to have a good time right now because you won’t have any more money ‘till the first of the month.

Jagermeister
You are a huge fan of blacking-out and punching your friends in the face.

Long Island Iced Tea
When you want to black out but just don't have the time.  It's four-drinks-in-one, plus some soda to make it work fast and sweet & sour to make it drinkable. Let's fucking do this!

Louis XII Cognac
You consider yourself to be the best and most important person in the world.  You enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Margarita, Blended
In addition to having its own song, there’s nothing that says “I’m ready to have a party that will end up with me breaking glass in the street” more than this drink.

Margarita on the Rocks
You are a tight-assed accountant and need to loosen up.  Your only chance at getting laid is to drink about ten of these

Martini
Ah, yes. Nothing says success and wealth quite like a Martini, except for maybe real success and wealth... or, maybe a nice car.

Michelob Ultra
I don't go to the gym, but I want you to think I do.

Pabst Blue Ribbon
I was lame before it was cool to be lame.

Pina Colada
I got so much ass in the 70's when cocaine was cheap.

Red Wine
You are boring and you find no pleasure in life.

Rum & Coke
You think you are a pirate.  You are not kind to anyone, including yourself.  Everyone who knows you thinks you are an asshole, and you always piss-off strangers.

Saki Bomb
"I hate sushi, but I want my date to fuck me, so let’s kill the taste buds."

Salty Dog
“Well, I’ve got some vodka but nothing to mix it with… wait… I have a grapefruit tree in the backyard... wait... and salt! Let’s fucking party!”

Screwdriver
You really don’t drink very often, do you?

Seven & Seven
You have a terrific mustache and fond memories of the Disco Era.

Sex on the Beach
"See my drink? huh?!? huh!?! Any takers???" <Sigh> "No mom, we're not going to the beach."

Singapore Sling
The best days of your life ended when you returned stateside from the Korean War Conflict.

Single Malt Scotch
You cannot be trusted. You try to put on an air of sophistication, but you have a secret stash of German kiddie snuff porn.

Southern Comfort
You lack genuine skill and confidence in everything you do.  You are a dipshit and should probably just kill yourself.

Tequila Sunrise
"All you have is Tequila and OJ?"

Vodka Tonic
Your home has beautiful off-white walls, beige carpeting, tan furniture and decorative taupe accents.

White Wine
Your shit does not stink... Truly.

My New Year's Resolutions for 2013

New Year's Eve has always been a time for looking back to the past, and more importantly, forward to the coming year. It's a time to reflect on the changes we want (or need) to make and resolve to follow through on those changes. So, many people make a declaration to achieve at least one goal that they think will help them feel more complete. Some of the most popular of these resolutions are spend more time with family and friends, get in shape or lose weight, and quit smoking.

But remember, these vows are generally made by people who are drunk.

During the closing hours of 2012, while avoiding a handful of old friends who were a bit overly-sentimental and overly emotional ("I love you man, give me a hug...that's not a real hug. Come here... I love you asshole..."), I decided to make several resolutions of my own. My goal is to complete the following wish-list of accomplishments by the strike of midnight on December 31, 2013:

Sit in on an AA meeting

I have an ongoing rule that anyone I meet, anywhere at any time, may trade a 30-day, 60-day, any-amount-of-time sobriety token for a free drink. No questions asked. I will simply stop what I'm doing and accompany them to the nearest bar to buy them the drink of their choice. I will then relieve them of said token. Many years ago, I started announcing this plan to anyone who would listen. I figured I'd have quite the collection of chips by now, but not one person has ever taken me up on my offer. So I've come to realize that there must be something more to the whole AA thing than first names only, 12 steps and a bunch of coffee.  I'm not saying that I plan to drink the cool aid, I just want to see what goes on during the meetings. My goal is to observe and report.

Track down the true owner of my first fake ID

When I was 19-years old, a stranger approached my and asked me if my name was James. That is not my name but he was holding a wallet in his hands so I answered yes. He handed over the wallet to me and I immediately saw why he assumed it belonged to me. James Lascot from Felton, California looked a lot like me. But James was five years older than me. The wallet also contained $100 and I was broke. Double score.

I've long since lost track of the California Driver's License, but this year, I plan to track down Mr. Lascot, repay the $100 and thank him for a two-year head-start at drinking in bars.

Experience Drinks in Twelve Bars during one Twelve-hour period

Unless you are in Las Vegas (which, by the way, does not count) it's not as easy as you would think. The goal isn't to run in, have a drink, and sprint to the next bar. Instead, it is to enjoy my drinks in each place, visit with the bartender and other patrons, and truly experience each place. I did this last year and had a blast. I think this will become an annual tradition.

Get in a bar fight

Funny, after years of professional drinking, I've never once been in a real bar fight. But, I can't tell you how many times I've reflected on a good night of drinking and thought to myself "That guy was such a dick. I should have knocked the shit out of him." Before the year is over, I will get into a bar fight. And if I make it to December 31, 2013 without finding someone who truly deserves to get punched in the face, I will feel sorry for the poor bastard that I swing at before the clock strikes twelve.

Work as a bartender

I paid my way through college by working as a bartender. Greatest job ever. But it's been a few years and I'm starting to slip. I've started to lose patients with bartenders and servers who I think are incompetent, and I might be starting to be one of those customers that I used to despise. I think it's about time I go back into the trenches and experience the world of drinking from the other side. Basically, it's time for me to make sure my attitude is properly tuned.

Take a hobo to happy hour

The homeless need lovin' too. And what better way to show a little kindness than to take one out for happy hour?

Try 100 new drinks

I’ve tried a lot of drinks. Probably more than most humans. Strike that. I’ll bet anyone $100 that I’ve tried more cocktails than anyone they know. Plus, I know what’s in each one of them. Remember, I'm a professional drinker, mother-fucker.

With that out of the way… I’ve noticed that I have a very short list of go-to drinks. Rum & Coke, Guinness, Jameson & Ginger Ale, and Gin & Tonic. Pretty much in that order. I do this because I know I like those drinks. It took years to find out what my favorites were, so now I stick to them. Why fuck up a good thing? Right? The older I get, the less adventurous I am.But, being flexible and adventurous in what I drink should be a mark of maturity and adaptability. This year, I plan to say yes to every new cocktail I come across. I just hope there’s 100 drinks I haven’t tried.

Crash a wedding (or other large formal event) and propose a toast

I just want to show up, have some drinks from the open bar, eat, and propose a toast to the happy couple. When I leave, I want to hear a few people whisper “who was that?”

Shitty Bartenders 101

There you are. Ready to sit down in a nice, cool, dark bar. Ready to order your favorite drink and relax. What could be better than that? Wait. Where's the bartender? The dick-bag fuck-stick is more interested in doing anything BUT getting you a drink. He's too busy fucking around with his phone or catching up on the latest bullshit with another employee or kissing up to another customer.

What happened to the good old days when the bartender understood that the most important thing in a bar isn't the selection of booze, the address, or the decor? None of that matters without the customer. Without the customer, the bar would fold and the bartender would be out of a job. Seems like a pretty simple concept. Right? Unfortunately, there seems to be a new crop of bartenders who are either unable - or unwilling - to grasp this concept.

I'm not talking about walking in while it's busy. I'm talking about a time of the day or night when NO bartender has an excuse to make you wait for a drink. Even I don't expect a bartender to stop and discuss the details of the US Open or the NBA Playoffs or my latest tales from Las Vegas when he's super busy. I'm a fairly reasonable man. What I do expect is that the bartender understands the dynamic between me and him. It's simple. I tell him what I want, he makes it, I drink it and I give him money. If any part of this breaks down, there's a problem. If he can keep me in drinks while I'm sitting at the bar, he has completed his basic duty. If he has a good personality and is efficient, I'll keep drinking and spend more money. If he ignores me, is distracted with personal bullshit, or doesn't give a fuck about doing his job, I will take my money elsewhere. Why should I have to put up with bullshit when I come to the only place on earth where I can get that peaceful, easy feeling? For christsake, it's called “happy hour” for a reason.

It's really simple:

• I'm here. I'm a customer. I have money and want to spend it on a drink. Your job is to make one and set it down in front of me. How fucking hard can this be?

• Yes, we all know that you are in charge of the bar. Don't be a dick.  I don't give a shit if we agree on which team is the best in the NFL, or what day of the week it is. And, I really don't care if you like me or not.  Just act like you do. It's your fucking job.  If you insist on always winning, you will always lose, so don't argue with me. I'm here to pay you. Don't fuck up that relationship by being a dick.

• Fill an empty glass and empty a full ashtray: You are there to take care of the customer.  Just do it.
• Quit fucking around on your phone and get me a drink.

More Things You Should and Should Not Do When Drunk

After the lists of 5 Things that you Should, and 5 Things You Should Not Do While Drunk was posted, readers started submitting their own dos and don'ts. Here are some of them:

1. Don't pull out your contacts list and decide to call that friend or relative you haven't spoken to in years. Not matter what you think,  this is not the perfect time to say "I love you man" or "we really need to hang out more."
2. Do decide to go ahead a rearrange the bottles behind the bar. You can organize them by size, color, or alphabetically. It's a little know fact that bartenders love and appreciate this.
3. Do take the opportunity to intrude on other peoples conversations followed by a big sloppy hug while telling them how much you love them.
4. Do feel free to critique everyone's choice of drink by telling them how popular said drink is in the "homosexual community."
5. Don't shave your pubes
6. If the bar you're in does not allow smoking, light up a cigarette and ask for an ashtray.

Five Things You Should Do When Drunk

Okay, the previous list is short for a reason. There are so many more things that you really need to experience while drunk. I’ve tried to keep the list short by only including a few must-have experiences. However, I expect most people to accomplish these and then start working at their own speed.

1. Hook up with a stranger for a one-night-stand. Fuck yea! Being drunk is always a good excuse.  Give him or her a fake name and do not let them know where you live.
2. Buy a round for the entire bar. It’s even better when you don’t have enough cash and your credit card is over the limit. This may be uncomfortable at the moment, but you’re going to be drunk, right? Embrace it. Have fun with it. Laugh out loud about it. It will make a great story for later. For what it’s worth, I recommend doing this in a bar where you don’t mind getting 86ed.
3. Be profound. Do this and you’ll feel like the coolest person ever.
4. Speak with a foreign accent all night. After about five cocktails, it will start feeling natural and start becoming really funny.
5. Throw bottles, and/or anything else made of glass, into the street. Trust me on this one. You don't realize how fucking cool this is until you do it loaded.

Five Things You Should Not Do When Drunk

With the holidays approaching, assuming the Mayans just got lazy, booze will beckon and many will answer its call into the land of inebriation. Perhaps we can mitigate the damage with some timely advice – things you never want to do while drunk.

1. Mix “grape with grain”. If you’re drinking wine, stick with wine, if you’re drinking cocktails, stick with cocktails. Don’t switch up at any point of the evening. It’s not an absolute, sure-fire way to avoid getting sick, but it’s a very good rule to live by. Wine and brandy are made from grapes. Most other booze (including beer) is made from some sort of grain. Don’t mix the two. Some say this is an old wive's tale. Maybe, maybe not. But don't take the chance. Trust me on this one.
2. Significantly change an ongoing relationship. Don’t make the decision to make-up, break-up, or get married. Getting married is easy; putting up with each other for the rest of your life is not.
3. Be profound. Do this and you’ll just be an asshole.
4. Decide to get a tattoo. If you want a tattoo, it’s cool to have a few drinks before the artist starts in with the needle, but, don’t make the decision to get a tattoo when you’re drunk. If you are anything like me, you’ll end up getting something that you think is HILARIOUS while loaded, and then spend the rest of your life explaining the significance to everyone you meet.
5. Get pregnant.

A Toast to Prohibition

Since the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock, alcohol has been an important part of American life. But in the mid-1800s evangelical Protestant churches, especially the Methodists, Baptists and Presbyterians started sponsoring the Temperance Movement.  By using pressure politics on legislators, the anti-booze folks achieved the goal of nationwide prohibition in 1919, emphasizing the need to destroy the political corruption of the saloons, the political power of the German-based brewing industry, and the need to reduce domestic violence in the home.

All of this was, of course, a bunch of bullshit.

Without liquor, there was no reduction in domestic violence and political corruption actually grew. Prohibition also opened the door for bootleggers and mobsters to become very rich.

But the most disturbing thing was that the Temperance Movement was actually started by a bunch of women who nagged long enough and loud enough until they finally got their way. They decided that, in the name of religion, they would eradicate liquor. It didn't matter that booze was part of what made America free.

It's a fact that the Puritans loaded more beer than water onto the Mayflower before they cast off for the New World and there wasn't any cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, or pumpkin pie at the first Thanksgiving, but there was beer, brandy, gin, and wine.  It's also a fact that the very first construction project at Harvard was a brewery so that a steady supply of beer could be served in the student dining halls. And it's another fact that the first Kentucky whiskey was made in 1789 by a Baptist minister. Even Abraham Lincoln held a liquor license and operated several taverns.

These bitchy women wanted their way and eventually achieved their goal of making the majority of Americans believe that to let booze pass their lips is to sin.

In the end, Prohibition didn't work. It was a fucking failure of giant proportions and was repealed via the Twenty-first Amendment to the United States Constitution eighty-five years ago, on December 5, 1933.

The worst thing about it was that even after Prohibition, the moral stigma attached to liquor consumption stuck. Even to this day, most conventional Protestant groups are against drinking. But there were two very cool things that happened because of Prohibition:

Generally, before Prohibition, saloons were reserved for men, where they drank beer and whisky.  During Prohibition, it became very hip to drink. It was a badge of honor to actually know how to gain access to a speakeasies. So, more and more women actually began to drink.

Moonshine, Bathtub Gin and other compact spirits were so terrible that bartenders started inventing ways to make it tolerable. They began to used fruit juices, soda pop and a variety of other mixers. Thus, the modern cocktail was born.

So here we are. Seventy-nine years after the death of the worst, and best, thing to happen to American drinkers.  Raise your glasses and drink to Prohibition. Drink because it ended; drink because it happened; and, mostly, drink because you can. 

Cheers!